Kids, children, youngsters, little ones...whatever title they are given, it is no secret that I absolutely LOVE and ADORE them all! My office is a shrine to all of the ankle-biters that frequent the YMCA...my walls are adorned with countless pictures they have colored, along with photographs of children who are not my own and it seems my "five and under" fan club is ever increasing in size. I am incessantly left in awe by how willing children are to give love when they know that they will receive love from you in return.
Several weeks ago, I was sitting at my desk at 7:30am on a typical Tuesday morning when I saw a beautiful little girl peering at me through the glass lobby doors. My office is the first one seen as members enter and the last one seen as they leave what I believe to be a "health and wellness oasis" and truly the most magical place in my community. I made eye contact with the precious little one looking at me and motioned for her to come in. We were instant friends! She became my shadow for the duration of time that she was in the Y on that day...anywhere and everywhere I went, there she was with a hug, a leg tap, or a latching onto of my thigh because it seemed she really enjoyed and wanted to keep my attention. I went about my morning as usual and after I finished teaching my group fitness class made my way to the shower only to find my new little friend in the locker room with her mom. I quickly continued my post-workout regimen and made my way to the shower. With my face in the water and my back toward the shower curtain, I heard a very small voice loudly say, "hey, I'm looking at you!". I whipped around, obviously in nothing but my birthday suit, to find that my little friend had followed me into the shower! I quickly concluded the cleansing process and exited the shower. With hair sopping wet, in nothing but a towel and sloshing shower flip-flops I came upon this little girl's mother and I said, "Excuse me, but, I think I need to let you know that your daughter just saw my whole butt". Yes, I had shown my butt...my whole butt.
In reflecting upon this experience I realized that while I was physically exposed and I did "show my butt", literally, I have also recently done this figuratively in one of my relationships. I spoke harsh words to someone and exhibited unkind behavior and I, once again, "showed my butt". I failed miserably in being slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to become angry (James 1:19). I did not offer a gentle response (Proverbs 15:1) and my words were definitely not helpful in building up this person according to their needs (Ephesians 4:29). Words are like toothpaste and once they are out there, they cannot be taken back. I have experienced much regret regarding my behavior. It was completely uncharacteristic for me and this was not the first time I had "misbehaved badly" with this individual. For two weeks, I chastised and admonished myself, while also spending time in God's word in hopes that it would bring encouragement, comfort, and most of all, relief. God is faithful and brought me to James 3:2 which says "those who are never at fault in what they say are perfect" and I am definitely not perfect! I was also reminded that I will be shown mercy if I show mercy to others (James 2:12) but to be careful because the same tongue I praise God with is the same tongue I use to curse men (James 3:9).
FORGIVENESS came in the form of the message at church this past Sunday (go figure!). As I sat there I realized that most were probably reminded or prompted to forgive someone else, but my epiphany was that I needed to forgive myself. The take home message was that "you can't give away what you don't have" and if I cannot forgive myself then I cannot forgive others and I will certainly not be able to fully accept and receive God's forgiveness. I wish I could say that this relationship has been mended. Unfortunately, things are less than amicable or so it seems. I pray that a resolution will come and I have hope because I know I am forgiven and am now walking in freedom.
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